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note: all jokes &/or graphic animations found in this page are taken from forwarded emails, most of which do not contain or refer to their original sources. nevertheless, many thanks to those unnamed individuals who have shared these entries. Laughter, indeed, is a medicine we all need with a daily dosage simply because "laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside."

- site administrator
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Bill Gates Meets Mario Dimaculangan
(Too Funny not to pass around)

Microsoft announced that they were looking for someone to head their new office in Eastern Europe and that Bill Gates himself would conduct the screening.

After some preliminary interviews, the "short list" of 5,000 applicants were asked to asemble in the large hall at the Microsoft Headquarters. Bill Gates walked in and thanked all of them for coming.

BILL GATES: Those of you that do not know JAVA, I will have to ask you to please leave. 2,000 of them leave.

MARIO DIMACULANGAN, one of the 5,000 applicants, thinks to himself, "Sure I don't know JAVA but what the heck, I have nothing to lose so I'm staying."

BILL GATES: Candidates that have had no experience managing more than a hundred people, you, too, may leave. Another 2,000 leave.

MARIO muses in his head, "Though it is only myself that I have managed all my life, heck, what do I have to lose if I stay?" And again, Mario stays put.

BILL GATES: Those without a Masters Degree, Adios!

MARIO, a high school drop-out, figures that if he stays, he still will have nothing to lose. So, he decides not to budge while another 500
pass him by on their way out.

BILL GATES: Lastly, those not fluent in the Serbo-Croat language, thank you for coming. Please leave. 498 more walk out leaving only two left with Bill Gates.

MARIO, after telling himself, "even if I do not know a single word in Serbo-Croat, the fact remains that I still will not lose anything by staying," finds himself with just one other applicant.

At this point Bill Gates asks them both to come together beside him and says: "Very good! Apparently, only both of you from among the lot can speak Serbo-Croat. Now, if you please, gentlemen, I'd like to hear both of you converse in that language."

MARIO, very calmly, turns to the other remaining applicant and with a smile, says: "Ano ba yan, dong?" The other one answers, " Ewan ko, pare."

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Lessons to be Shared

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her
problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

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An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted,"BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.

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A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want
these two idiots back in the office after lunch".

Lesson V- "Always allow the bosses to speak first".

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25 Year Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral of the story : DON'T EVER BE LATE
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4 secrets to a happy marriage:

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.
2. it is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to make love with you.
4. It is important that these three men never meet.

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first and last names (ikaw, anong apelyido mo?)

Anong apelyido ni Ruffa? Rigno.
Anong apelyido ni Palito? Lippi.
Anong apelyido ni Keno? Reeves.
Anong first name ni Keno? Krissa.
Anong first name ni Keanu? Douglas.
Anong first name ni Bo Derek? Matthew.
Anong apelyido ni Bo Derek? Paulate.
Anong apelyido ni Sisa? Me Street.
Anong apelyido ni Joseph? Fruit.
Anong apelyido ni Elton? Tay.
Anong apelyido ni Aiko? Zada.
Anong apelyido ni Lilet? Tsunin.
Anong apelyido ni Christopher? Min.
Anong apelyido ni Gelli? Atay-Atayan
Anong apelyido ni Carmina? Sigiuon-Reyna
Anong apelyido ni Curly? Gazpi.
Anong first name ni Janno? Eduman.

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e- mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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